Cette page a pour objectif de parodier le genre d'informations grotesques et inutiles que l'on rencontre, quelques fois, sur les pages de sites appartenant aux particuliers. C'est le genre d'information qui n'intéresse personne (hormis le créateur de la page, on s'entend) et donc, dont tout le monde s'en fout. Pour cette raison, j'ai sélectionné, comme sujet de parodie, Alain Sutter. Si Alain Sutter m'amusait du temps de sa sélection dans l'équipe nationale, c'était surtout l'attitude des médias envers ce joueur (par ailleurs, d'excellent niveau) qui m'interpellait. Cette parodie concerne aussi les médias qui sont particulièrement zélés quand il s'agit de créer un nouvel intérêt chez le public pour des questions dont l'apport lucratif est inversément proportionnel à l' intérêt du sujet, du style : "Mais qui est la femme d'Alain Sutter ?; Vont-ils bientôt se marier ?". Alors, moi aussi, je m'y mets ! Et, en plus, pour corser l'affaire et pour rendre le tout plus croustillant, j'y ai ajouté des infos de mon propre cru ! Oui, un peu comme dans Gala, Voilà et toute cette presse de b**le*** (cela finit comme "canard", mais ce n'est pas "connard"). Et, finalement, comme cette modeste page aura peut-être un jour l'honneur d'être visitée par Alain Sutter lui-même (oui, le vrai), eh bien, je l'ai rédigée en anglais pour le confort de Monsieur ! J'imagine bien que cet humour n'est pas aux goûts de tous (et surtout pas d'Alain Sutter) mais certains y trouveront peut-être leur compte !
 
 
 
 
ALAIN SUTTER
We received many many e-mails and letters concerning Alain Sutter. We would ask you to stop sending us e-mails, letters or fax asking for more information or pictures of Alain Sutter. Now, we will do our best to answer your questions such as : Who's Alain Sutter ? Where does Alain Sutter live ? Is he a man or a woman ? Does he like potatoes ? Anyway, Thank you folks for your interest in Alain Sutter, the best soccer player in the world.

SOME FACTUAL INFORMATION ABOUT ALAIN SUTTER

Date of Birth: January 22, 1968
Birthplace: Bern, Switzerland
Height: 178 cm
Weight: 71 kg
Previous Clubs: FC Bünpliz (Switzerland), Grashoppers Zürich (Switzerland), Young Boys Bern (Switzerland), Grashoppers Zürich (Switzerland), 1.FC Nürnberg (Germany), Bayern Munich (Germany), Freiburg (Germany)
Actual Club : Actually, several rumors say that Alain Sutter, best soccer player in the world, plays at Dallas Burn (it should be the local soccer team from Dallas, Texas, I will contact this team to verify it)
UPDATE (JANUARY 2001) : After investigation, we are aware that Alain Sutter is a RETIRED soccer player
Food he likes : Alain Sutter only eats vegetables, that's why his weight is 71 kg
Woman he likes : Alain Sutter only likes big breasted women
Hobbies : Moto riding and potatoes (he really likes potatoes)
 

ALAIN SUTTER'S SKILLS

Stamina : 10/10
Strenght : 10/10
Agressivity : 10/10
Velocity : 10/10
Tackle : 10/10
Shoot : 10/10 (Banana Shoot : 10/10 ; Torpedo Shoot : 10/10 ; Eagle Shoot : 10/10 ; Potatoe Shoot : 10/10)
Head Kick : 10/10
Control : 10/10
Psyche Up : 10/10
Defense : 10/10
Offense : 10/10
Courage : 10/10
Leadership : 10/10
Style : 10/10

Overall : 10/10
 

ALAIN SUTTER IN ACTION
 
 


This picture has been taken on the 6/18/94 during the World Cup's opening game featuring Switzerland Vs. USA. On this picture, you can cleary see Alain Sutter dribbling Thomas Dooley, totally defensless. It is said that Thomas Dooley stated, after the draw, 1-1 (excellent free kick striker and mustachist Georges Bregy scored for Switzerland, then a fucking bastard got the chance of his life during a free-kick action  and equalized for the USA, playing at home. I repeat, read my lips : playing at home). So, Thomas Dooley stated, after the draw : "Alain Sutter has absolute excellent skillfullness and velocity. I couldn't nothing against him. He was too fast, too brilliant ! Alain is definitively the best player I have ever met" (Dallas Herald, 7/19/94)
 


Rare action picture of Alain Sutter preparing himself for an "Eagle Shoot", which will cause the goalkeeper great damage.
 

STATEMENTS ON ALAIN SUTTER

Many well known soccer players released statements on Alain Sutter :

Ronaldo : "Alain Sutter ?  Without doubt, the best. Maybe the best player of all times" (Eurosport, 9/8/98)

Roberto Carlos : "Yeah, a good friend of mine. He used to learn me soccer when I was young. In fact, he learned me my special "Torpedo Shoot" (TVE, 17/4/99)

Didier Deschamps : "Who's Alain Sutter ?" (Player Mag, 25/2/99)

Vieri : " If Alain Sutter comes back in the swiss team, it's absolutely certain that they will qualify for and win the next World Cup" (Rai Due, 18/6/99)
 

THE CONSPIRACY UNVEILED : WHY DID THE MUSTACHIST ARTHUR GEORGE EJECT EXCELLENT PLAYER AND SCORER ALAIN SUTTER FROM THE SWISS TEAM ?

I got some important and vital information from a confidential and reliable source. This anonymous source stated that :

"Long long ago, there were a man who try to make his skill ultimate.
Because of his bloody life, it's no accident that he was involved in the troubles"

Now, you can understand why Alain Sutter has been ejected from the swiss team. Alain Sutter (aka A. Hotter) tried to make his skill ultimate. But, because of his bloody life, Arthur George discarded this excellent player and scorer. According to the rumours, Alain Sutter has been ejected due to his kidnapped sister. But this fact needs to be verified as soon as possible. Stay tuned.

NEWS - NEWS - NEWS- NEWS- NEWS- NEWS- NEWS- NEWS- NEWS - NEWS- NEWS- NEWS- NEWS-

Exclusive coverage, coming right from Delray Beach, Florida, where one of our field investigators found Alain Sutter, this summer in his secret remote house....

In the last edition, we asked ourselves if Alain Sutter has been ejected due to his kidnapped sister. The truth is here :

JUST THE FACTS

- His sister has never been kidnapped for he has no sister ;

- He is currently living in Delray Beachwith with his girlfriend, Melanie ;

- No, he's not been ejected due to his sister but he has to stop soccer because during a training session where he has been badly injured in 1998. Now, we  know how he was injured. In fact, witnesses say Alain Sutter fell, during a soccer training, in a kind of "cliff". But he has recovered ;

- He does not play soccer anymore but he is a painter ;

Field Investigor, John Browell, got a picture of Alain Sutter - see below - just after the winning against Romania during the World Cup in 1994 (Switzerland  4  -  1   Romania). Here's an exclusive picture of Alain Sutter, greeting the fans ! These days, there is a controversy about the meaning of his right arm gesture. German expert and historian, Karl Steinhoffer, has been quoted as saying : "In fact, we do not know if Alain Sutter is a right-wing personnality. We need further investigation" (Stern, 08/11/2000). Of course, Alain Sutter's fans and supporters argue one must be crazy to consider Alain Sutter as a right-wing activist. My opinion is that Alain Sutter is free of any right-wing activism and that this kind of claim is a plot to debunk one of the best soccer player that ever existed !
 

          Exclusive picture of Alain Sutter during the World Cup 1994
 
During his investigation, John Browell was able to obtain more information on Melanie, Alain Sutter's gilfriend. She's 27 years old. At the beginning of this paper, it was written that Alain Sutter only likes "big breasted women". So, now we know it's not right because Melanie isn't big breasted at all. Just look at the picture below :
 

                   Alain Sutter with his girlfriend Melanie
 
 
It's all we know about Melanie. But further investigation would be helpful to uncover the real nature of this woman.

By examining carefully the above mentionned picture, one would notice the tattoo on Alain Sutter's left arm. It's a chinese pictogramm. But what is its meaning ?

In the next update, we will focus on discovering the meaning of the secret Alain Sutter's tattoo. Stay Tuned.